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Penitentiary State Nittany Lions
Published by MoonDog on September 8, 2008
Penn State head coach Joe Paterno suspended Maurice Evans, Abe Koroma, and Andrew Quarless for the Nittany Lions home game against Oregon State this past Saturday after they were arrested when marijuana was found in their dorm room.
Penn State University Holding Cell
In what has become a horde of Nittany Lions players running afoul of the law, the school announced an immediate stadium renovation.
In the bowels of Beaver Stadium, home of the Nittany Lions, university officials have ordered a holding cell to be built to house inmates/football players.
The architectural firm of Bronson, Usted, Smith, Towns, Ecker and Davis (BUSTED) were contracted to design the holding cell.
Dimensions of the holding cell were not immediately known, though state correctional officials consulted with BUSTED to ensure large football players could be accommodated.
PSU officials praised the addition of the holding cell, citing the ability to immediately incarcerate offending players.
BUSTED has also been contracted to design a self gratification-free library after last year’s incident involving former PSU basketball player Stanley Pringle who was allegedly masturbating in the school’s library.
Pringle claimed he was merely “scratching” his genital area although witnesses claim there was a substantial amount of “tugging, pulling, gyrating and heavy breathing” coming from the general direction where Pringle was seated.
Initial efforts to minimize masturbation in the school’s library met with little success. Immediately after the Pringle incident, “Quiet” signs were revised to read “No Masturbating,” especially where public computers were in use, usually for students seeking pornographic material.
Library manager Bertha Humpgooder also noted web sites like On 205th would no longer be viewable to minimize the opportunity for students potentially engaging in manual satisfaction.
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CK0712 on Mon, 8th Sep 2008 13:22
aaaaaaaaaaaaaa least u warned me u were writing this, have fun with it ;0
MFSKEN on Mon, 8th Sep 2008 16:22
It’s all the liberal media’s fault. They just want to look for any excuse to get rid of Joe Pa. Those kids could have been on any campus in America (read UT Knoxville), but let it happen in Happy Valley and its time to throw someone under the bus.
Perhaps that explains why Obama called Penn State the Nittaly Lions and said there were 57 states, he was toking too.
Joel on Mon, 8th Sep 2008 19:08
What is it with football in the state of Pennsylvania??? They had a jail in the bottom of Veterans Stadium too.
BTW, I put Tommy West on the Resume Watch for this week. Check it out if you get the chance…
Chris on Mon, 8th Sep 2008 20:33
It’s been a rough year for Penn State football athletes (at least off the field). Of course, Penn State is one of the few “big” schools that still expects their football players to graduate, to be productive, etc.
Joe Pa needs to get better control over his team…it might be true that he is “out of touch” though I loved the team punishment of cleaning the entire stadium last year.