NFL NEWS
From: Jerry Jones To: Jimmy Johnson
Published by MoonDog on October 20, 2008
Dear Jimmy:
I’m hopeful this correspondence finds you well. Sadly, I must report things aren’t going too well for me. As you are aware, my team, the Dallas Cowboys, lost their third game of the season Sunday against a very average St. Louis Rams team.
Dallas Cowboys Owner and GM Jerry Jones
My team didn’t just lose, they got embarrassed, bitch-slapped, punked, thumped and otherwise got their asses handed to them.
What’s really troubling Jimmy is the fact my team is loaded with talent. On paper, my team is perhaps the most talented in the NFL but over the past month, they’ve played like a bunch of overpaid, uninspired prima donnas.
Instead of my team showing improvement since they lost to the Redskins a month ago, we’ve digressed over the past two weeks in losses to the Arizona Cardinals and Rams. Our only win has come against the hapless and winless Cincinnati Bengals, and we struggled to get that victory.
I realize I brought a lot of my team’s woes upon myself Jimmy. I never scoured the waiver wire and acquired a backup quarterback for Tony Romo, who as we all know was an injury away from being sidelined.
Last week, that’s what happened. You may have heard that Tony has a boo-boo on his right pinkie, his throwing hand, and instead of having a reliable backup, my team had to depend on a guy that hasn’t taken a snap in an NFL regular season game in nearly two years.
Jimmy, my backup quarterback is so old, he can provide first-hand, eyewitness testimony to John Wilkes Booth’s assassination of Abraham Lincoln.
Former Dallas Cowboys Head Coach Jimmy Johnson
I know now that I shouldn’t have given fat contracts to guys like Flozell “False Start” Adams and Terrell Owens. Adams, a veteran of 10 NFL seasons, is a step slower and has trouble with speed rushers.
Considering every defensive end in the league is a speed rusher, I guess we’re in big trouble for the rest of the season.
Owens would be really good if we could just get him the ball, that is of course if he actually catches it when we throw to him.
I thought I took some of the heat off T.O. when last week I traded away a good chunk of the team’s future for a wide receiver from the Detroit Lions.
I realize Roy Williams has done absolutely nothing to distinguish himself in the NFL, other than being a pansy, but I’ve become a master at making stupid moves.
Yes Jimmy, I can also appreciate what people are thinking with regard to Pacman. I know I traded for a guy that has been arrested six or seven times, maybe it’s been 67 times - I lost count.
Anyway, I really believed my influence and the 12 body guards we had assigned to him would keep Adam out of trouble. Guess I was wrong about that, huh?
My team’s defense and special teams have been really bad too Jimmy. I know Wade Phillips had the reputation of being a guru at designing schemes for the 3-4 defense we employ, but he wanted to hire Brian Stewart as his defensive coordinator and I allowed it.
Stewart either doesn’t have a clue, which I’m starting to think is the truth, or the players on that side of the ball are too busy looking up Jessica Simpson’s skirt when she visits Tony in the locker room instead of learning the game plan.
It’s just so frustrating Jimmy!
How 'Bout Them Cowboys?!!
I admit, I didn’t hire Wade to be a coach because we all know who the real boss is. Other than our time together and the years Parcells was guiding the team, all of my coaches have been nothing more than “yes” men who acquiesced to my every whim.
So Jimmy the real reason behind this letter is to find out if you would please come back and coach my team. I’m sorry for all those stupid things I said after you won two straight Super Bowls for the Cowboys.
I never should have said “anyone of 500 coaches could have won those Super Bowls.” I know it was dumb and I’m sorry.
Jimmy, if you come back and coach my team, I promise to keep my surgically enhanced ass in the owners box during the games. I promise I won’t make personnel moves unless you approve them first.
I promise to get out of your way and stay out of your way for as long as it takes, because I know you’re the only person that can get us back to the Super Bowl.
Jimmy I’m prepared to do anything, and I mean anything to have you return as the coach of the Dallas Cowboys, up to and including acts that would be considered unnatural by biblical standards.
So please Jimmy, please come back and coach the Cowboys because we need you now more than ever.
Your Bitch,
Jerry Jones
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No Joshin on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 00:44
Jimmy’s response:
You say you’ll do anything? Okay. CUT BOBBY CARPENTER!!!
CK0712 on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 03:56
Moondoggy, this was MONEY, loved it!! shame that you even had to type this out though!
GoPurple on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 07:21
Hah!! Fat chance!!
Football Fanatics on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 08:42
I’m sure Cowboy fans would love to have him back. But, Jimmy is done coaching… and look how the Joe Gibbs experiment turned out in Washington. Don’t bring him back and ruin his legacy.
swnole on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 08:42
Apparently Jones isn’t too worried about his football team since he’s out doing deals with Steinbrenner to do concessions at their new stadiums!
JM Van Horn on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 11:45
Too funny brother. We know Jones would never admit it but I am sure this is how his dreams go every night. Keep them coming.
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[...] From Jerry Jones, To Jimmy Johnson - Moon Dog Sports [...]
Paul on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 12:55
This is great!!! At first seeing the headline I went holy shit! Nice job buddy
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MoonDog on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 15:59
Thanks to all who’ve commented or trackbacked.
Stay tuned for my next letter. I think I’ll send Lou Holtz a letter from Adolph Hitler.
NESW Sports Headlines 10/21/2008 | NESW Sports, Sports Videos on Tue, 21st Oct 2008 16:03
[...] Letter from Jerry Jones to Jimmy Johnson < Moondog Sports [...]
joe bernal on Sat, 22nd Nov 2008 11:46
hello this is joe bernal deaf man yea i hope jerry jones write a letter or call to jimmy johnson come back coach of dallas cowboys he know how to figre in defensive line and offensive line i believe alots of people love him come back to cowboys he teach so strict alots on offensive line to protect quarterback very important i know i hope so jerry can forgive and give jimmy time to chance to do it right talk to jerry about it need jimmy come back call jimmy johnson call jimmy johnson call jimmy johnson hope so take care see u later havbe good weekend joe bernal
Jay on Fri, 5th Dec 2008 15:30
If you’re being paid for your writing, you shouldn’t be, and I have honestly never said that to anyone. You show absolutely no understanding of today’s NFL. And the Lincoln joke? Come on. I did laugh, actually, at just how horrible it was. That was quite possibly the lamest joke I’ve ever heard. Ever. And the Jessica Simpson joke was definitely clever, classy writing at its best. I don’t have time to break down the many, many ways in which this article is offensively stupid, and I can’t really bear to read it anymore.
Sincerely,
A Steelers Fan