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Real Men Shop At Home Depot
Published by MoonDog on November 19, 2008
This past weekend I was out and about looking for materials to build a fireplace mantle. As any real man would do I headed to the nearest Home Depot to purchase everything I needed to create something that amounts to another dust collector.
As I carefully studied the different types of wood that could be used for my little project, I began to give thought to a post I read last week about another man on a quest of sorts.
I don’t want to mention his name, not because he’s in witness protection or anything like that, but he admitted to being with his fiancee at Bed, Bath & Beyond, a place that manly types don’t venture in to.
Not that I have anything against Bed, Bath & Beyond. Having never stepped foot inside one of their stores I can’t comment on the available wares, but obviously it’s a place that appeals to the more feminine among us.
I frequently give my mother and sisters gift certificates to BB&B and they light up like a Christmas tree. Women like that kind of stuff you can adorn your bathroom with. Towels, weird-shaped bars of soap, candles and the like are what makes a woman’s day.
Bathrooms, at least in my experience, are places we men use about 15 minutes each day. A 10-minute shower and another five minutes spent on tending to other business is about all the bathroom is needed for.
Bed, Bath & Beyond = Not Manly
I don’t want to be too hard on Isaac, oops, I mean “George,” because I understand his plight. You noticed I mentioned he was with his fiancee, a young man willing to do anything at this point to make the woman he loves very happy.
I, on the other hand, am older and have reached a point in life that allows me to be very manly. That is to say, I can tell the woman I love, in no uncertain terms, “there is no way in hell I’m going to be seen at Bed, Bath & Beyond with you or anyone else” and still get laid that night.
So as I perused the pine, oak and cherry wood selections, determined the dimensions of said wood and located the right bolts and wall anchors, I thought about young “George” and the misery he must have endured.
Perhaps being the only man on the planet to be inside a BB&B that day, standing there while his bride-to-be took 37 minutes to decide on the red soap or the dark red soap.
But I took solace in the fact that one day “George” will come into the warm light that is Home Depot. The sanctuary of men everywhere, a place where we can be at peace with ourselves and allow the manly juices to coarse through our veins.
In the not to distant future, “George’s” bride will say, “Honey, we need to go to Bed, Bath & Beyond to pick up some lace and scented candles.”
The older, wiser “George” will say, “are you fucking kidding me? “I’m going to Home Depot. And pick me up a six-pack while you’re out.”
Thank you Home Depot.
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Football Fanatics on Wed, 19th Nov 2008 13:07
Sports and power tools… two things every man must have.
ethanator1088 on Wed, 19th Nov 2008 15:05
Isaac and I are the same age. The only time I have ever gone into a BB&B it was when we were engaged.
I understand what he is going through.
Mr. Balls on Thu, 20th Nov 2008 11:43
When I received a text message from “George” that he was at BBB, I simply replied back: “Frank the Tank” is no more…what a sad day that was for me.
MoonDog on Thu, 20th Nov 2008 16:48
There weren’t any tranquilizer darts in the jugular, were there?