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I Confess: I’ve Been on the Juice Since I Started Blogging

Published by MoonDog on February 12, 2009

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The guilt has been gnawing at me for months, especially with the recent announcement that New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroid use in 2003.

With so many athletes lying about their use of steroids, I could no longer contain the painful truth. I’ve decided to confess that I’ve been on the juice since October 2007.

I realize this comes as a shock to all of you, those that believed a rare genius was in their midst. The ability to consistently produce Pulitzer-level content day after day could only be explained as a gift from above.

I admit now that I shouldn’t have injected caffeine intravenously. Mrs. Folgers’ is an evil wench, a woman who won’t take no for an answer. The voices in my head kept repeating the words, “it’s the richest kind.”

Juan Valdez is a pimp. Sure, he looks friendly enough as he rides his trusty mule, carrying the beans of sweet caffeinated goodness in burlap sacks.

But his motives are far more sinister, and you don’t realize how far you’ve sunk until you slam down 11 triple espressos in a two-hour period.

Those countless nights I sat in front of my monitor, starring into the abyss without a clue what I was going to write (much like tonight) were the most difficult.

I’d once gone 64 straight hours without sleep and devoid of original thought, panicking that the hordes of millions depending on me to give them solace were going to be disappointed.

Juan Valdez with his Pimp Mobile, the Mule

I admit to being so wired on some nights, I could attack a third-world country by myself and kick the living shit out them.

Instead of admitting the truth, I avoided the obvious. The truth is, I completely suck and generally have no business being in this thing of ours – bloga nostra.

I don’t seek your pity or forgiveness because I realize I deserve neither. I do, however, ask that you take into consideration my plight.

I swear on the souls of my grandchildren (if I had any) that I will not post another blog that was written with the assistance of a legal form of amphetamines. This is a burden that I alone shall have to carry, but one that I’m willing to accept.

Please be advised that the level of ineptitude found on this web site will increase exponentially, not that it hasn’t already exceeded a reasonable level.

I offer my sincere apology to all of you, my loyal readers (all three of them) who’ve come to expect greatness from the Great & Powerful MoonDog.

Good night, good blogging and for God’s sake, tell Juan Valdez to keep riding when he pulls up to your window.

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Tagged with: A-Rod, Alex Rodriguez, Caffeine, Juan Valdez, MoonDog, Mrs. Folgers, New York Yankees, On The Juice, Steroid Use

The Zoner on Thu, 12th Feb 2009 09:51