Humor NEWS
Italians Rule The Blogosphere
Published by MoonDog on May 8, 2009
It has come to my attention that many of you haven’t been made aware that Italians – those of us whose names end in vowels – rule the blogosphere. I find this odd considering the depth at which we operate right under your noses every day, apparently oblivious to our presence.
And our specter of influence doesn’t reside in the blogosphere alone. As you’re aware, the blogosphere resides within the Internet, for which many of you believe is your private playground.
Think again.
The Internet is ours. We own it. We bought it years ago before it even became known as the Internet.
The information super highway was built with asphalt and concrete from companies we control.
Those of you that reside in the south, many of whom are fans of NASCAR, might believe stock car racing began in North Carolina.
Wrong. We own NASCAR.
It began in Palermo centuries ago when angry Italian housewives chased their cheating husbands around the piazzas wielding frying pans. Since the houses all faced one direction, wives would scramble after their betrothed in counter clockwise fashion, and as a result made All Left Turns.
That tradition of running in circles making All Left Turns became a registered and trademarked event. When the good ole’ boys started chasing after one another in their cars, they were ordered to do so making Left Turns ONLY.
For those of you that like a good laugh to take the edge off the work day, you may think comedy has its origins from the Greeks.
Wrong. We own comedy. We bought it in 352 B.C. when the Romans thought it would be funny to feed those deemed unworthy to the lions. From what I was told, it was a hoot.
Humor comes easily for Italians because we spend most of our days laughing at the blind squirrels (the rest of you) trying desperately to find a nut.
When we want humor we turn to “a friend of ours,” a guy who has lots of vowels in his name and runs the site Blog of Hilarity. If you haven’t visited his site, I’d suggest you do so promptly, or things might get ugly, like they did for this guy.
As anyone with any sense would know, Italians are famous for many things, cuisine being among them. Italians like food because it gives us an opportunity to sit down at the table with “the family” and discuss important issues, like who we intend to whack out later that day.
When it comes to food, many of you tune in to the Food Network. As you might guess, we own that too. If it weren’t for Italians, the rest of you would starve or at best would be left to scavenge the trash bins of the world.
The most popular of all the Food Network personalities is, of course, an Italiana – none other than Giada De Laurentis. The ratings are always good for the Food Network because you common, everyday, non-Italian types sit there watching Giada whip up something delectable, all the while staring at her fabulous rack.
The Commission decided some time ago the Internet needed to be governed by someone with deep connections to the Bosses, but also had bamboozled average schmucks (you) into thinking he was just another guy.
Wrong.
The Illuminati is another “friend of ours” that has his hands within many of the sites you think are owned by commoners just like you.
Hugging Harold Reynolds, Ask Men and his own site – which is used to share secret codes with other Italians – are but a few of the many blogs The Illuminati uses to control your minds.
With his mind controlling powers, we get you to concentrate on things that don’t matter, but you believe they matter because we tell you they are.
That sounds a lot like a Jedi mind trick. It should. We own the Jedi. Yoda is our bitch.
Once we have you dazed and confused, we bring in the heavy hitter, a “friend of ours” who specializes in “pushing buttons.” When Italians push buttons it usually means funeral arrangements need to be made.
But in the blogosphere’s case, when we push buttons we do so with The Traina. You all know The Traina, the guy who’s responsible for your site getting any appreciable amount of traffic on any given day.
The Commission gave The Traina absolute power over all of you. Seinfeld may have had his “no soup for you,” but “our thing” is based on “NO LINK FOR YOU.”
If The Traina decides the proper amount of respect hasn’t been paid, not only are you going to be left to wallow in obscurity, we’re going to whack you the hell out too. Ah, life is good when you have vowels in your name.
As for me, I get the distinct pleasure of breaking the news to you and watching you’re reactions: amazed, dazed, hazed, fazed and otherwise perplexed. It’s a grand time that the whole “family” can enjoy.
So now that you know the blogosphere is “our thing,” keep in mind we’re always there, always watching and always on the verge of putting a “contract” on your ass.
If you don’t want that to happen, all you have to do is repeat these words with the greatest amount of respect you can muster: “MoonDog is the Cappo di Tutti Capi.”
Otherwise, should you fail to follow instructions, we’ll consider you a rat. And you know what happens to a rat.
Fortza Italia!
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