Vikings Interested In Me Now, Favre Can Stay Retired

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Officials with the Minnesota Vikings have contacted me about their quarterback job for the coming season. Apparently the team has grown tired of waiting on Brett Favre to make a decision and want to move forward.

The Vikings did express concern over the fact I haven’t worn the pads or played organized football since the early 1980′s, when I last played college football at Murray State.

Minnesota also has reservations about a 47-year-old quarterback, especially considering I’ve never played the position. But I believe I allayed their fears when I showed them a tape of my recent workout.

I was connecting on roughly 80 percent of my passes to my friend’s 8-year-old grandson Blake. My ability to hit him in stride on 5-yard out patterns was actually quite mesmerizing.

It should also be noted the youngster was being covered by one of the best corners in the neighborhood, 6-year-old Emily. That’s right – a girl. Don’t let her femininity fool you, she can cover the best of the best, and I was picking her apart as I instructed my young protege on how to run a post pattern.

What about the pass rush you ask? No problem. I was escaping the fearsome 11-year-old Sara, a feisty redhead that had blood in her eyes as she tore around the end to force an errant throw.

I deftly avoided her attempts to sack me, utilizing moves that Gene Kelly or Fred Astaire would be proud of. I left poor Sara singing in the rain as I connected with Blake on a beautiful 12-yard go pattern, easily blowing past Emily for the score.

After 15 minutes of play, I had tossed a remarkable 24 touchdowns to Blake as the exasperated Emily stood alone and crying near the Yard Barn, hopeless in her efforts to stop the relentless aerial assault.

After seeing this awesome display, Minnesota head coach Brad Childress invited me to camp and called Favre, telling him, “we’ve found our man.”

No, the Vikings won’t be getting a future Hall of Fame quarterback, but they will be getting someone who doesn’t force the ball into coverage. In fact, Minnesota will be getting someone who can hit his receivers in stride and beat the best corners in the league, elements of Favre’s game that are now in question.

Perhaps this will be a lesson to Favre. Instead of waiting until the last minute to arrive at a decision – just as he’s done over the last three offseasons – Favre will realize other players are itching to showcase their mad skills.

And kudos to the Vikings for recognizing my talent and taking a chance on a seasoned veteran like myself. Childress will soon learn that my ability to stretch the defense with precision passing will have opposing coordinators bewildered and dazed, trying desperately to formulate an effective strategy to stop me.

But it won’t work.

Just ask Emily.