I don’t know about you but I figure I can do as well as the rest of these idiots in Washington so I’ve decided I’m going to make a run for the presidency.
I’m going to anchor my campaign platform around a few simple premises; people like free beer and free money.
You can never go wrong if one of your campaign promises is free beer on every Friday throughout the year.
Think of the jobs that a Free Beer Friday policy will create, as breweries expand their manufacturing facilities, purchase new equipment and hire more employees to meet the demands of all that free beer.
Now we’ll have to be practical about the amount of free beer each person can consume.
When I say free beer that doesn’t mean you can have so much that you drink yourself into becoming a nuisance or danger to society.
But like our politicians in Washington, we won’t worry too much about the details at this time. We’ll simply enact the legislation and figure out how to manage it long after the policy becomes unmanageable.
My next bold policy will be a sweeping economic plan that will solve all of the nation’s ills for less than $300 million – that’s right, million, not billion or trillion.
I’m going to give every man, woman and child in this country earning less than $350,000 annually a one-time only “gift” of $1 million dollars.
The way I see it, with some conditions attached, I’ll eliminate the economic crisis and solve long-term unfunded entitlements in the process.
As mentioned, there have to be some conditions that this free money must be used for. First, every American has to purchase health insurance, thus solving the current debate over health care.
Next, every American that’s single and without children must invest at least 30% of that million in some financial instrument that will secure their long term needs.
Those who are married and have children will have to invest 10%, but the money earmarked for minor children must be deposited into a trust fund that the child can access upon reaching the age of 25.
There are other conditions every one will have to meet. Paying off mortgages, automobiles and all debt will be mandatory. In other words, every American will be debt free and creditors will be paid all they are owed.
Every one except minors and senior citizens will be required to have a job as well.
For those people receiving the $1 million that don’t have jobs, we’ll put those Americans to work doing everything from cleaning our cities to building roads, homes and bridges.
Now you might be wondering how we’re going to pay for this $300 million package. 
Since everyone will be debt free, employed and have money to cover their retirements, tax refunds will become a thing of the past. We’re still going to tax payrolls as we do now, keeping that money for funding the government.
Much of those collected tax dollars will be spent to pay off our national debt. Since a lot of our nation’s debt is owned by China, Britain and Japan, we’ll pay off all foreign debtors first to get them out of our pockets.
Next, we’ll use that money to begin tapping the vast Bakken oil reserve that is the largest in the world.
Instead of remaining dependent on foreign oil, we’ll tap our own resources and have enough oil not only for America, but enough to export in such quantities that will make the United States the world’s largest oil exporter.
Do I have your attention?
As far fetched as this may seem, it’s actually quite possible. But of course, the politicians will attempt to tell you that it would never work.
Granted, the Free Beer Friday thing was a joke, but the $1 million payout wasn’t. It can work if we put forth the effort.
But rest assured, no one working in Washington would ever attempt to pass legislation that could solve our problems.
Do you know why?
It makes too much sense.
If it’s convoluted, wasteful, illogical and corrupted, then the geniuses in Washington will pass it. If not, we’re out of luck.
So I only have one last question for you – would you like to contribute to my campaign fund?
