I’m offering some friendly advice for Elyse Porterfield, the young actress that helped perpetrate an elaborate ruse last week at The Chive.
Elyse, today you are an Internet sensation, but you have to guard against slipping back into obscurity due to America’s short attention span.
Fads come and go, and so do people like you Elyse. I’d hate to see that happen to you because it seems you’re a nice girl who deserves a long, prosperous career.
Unless you aspire to become the next Lindsay Lohan – and I hope you don’t – your career will be limited to one shining moment holding a dry erase board.
Then again, you could follow Lohan’s career path by spending your days getting drunk, driving cars into trees, losing your passport, getting arrested, getting thrown in jail and topping it off with a stint in rehab.
And as fledgling young actresses like yourself go, well they generally become fledgling middle aged actresses. Once they hit 40, they become former fledgling actresses and eventually become waitresses.
If you aren’t fortunate enough to land a role in a major motion picture, the likelihood of you uttering the words “may I take your order?” will increase exponentially.
While your agent may say otherwise Elyse, I’m here to tell you exactly what you need to do to advance your career.
Pose nude for Playboy magazine.
Think about it Elyse. The dry erase board thing you did was great, but as I noted earlier it will be forgotten soon.
Posing in Playboy will keep you in the public eye for infinity. Not only would your photos appear in the print publication, they would post them online at their Web site as well.
I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Playboy’s site, but they have an entire section dedicated to celebrities. For example, the nude layouts Jaime Pressly did for Playboy more than a decade ago can still be viewed.
And here’s something else to consider Elyse. Many successful actresses have gotten naked on camera, and chances are you’d eventually end up taking your clothes off in a film.
If you take your clothes off in a film, what’s the difference in taking your clothes off for Playboy?
Let me assure you, Hugh Hefner would jump at the opportunity. Playboy needs all the help they can get. Look at their share price and that will provide all the proof you need.
No, you may not get the kind of money Tara Reid or Heidi Montag got for posing nude, but you’d still get one hell of a nice check.
How much did The Chive pay you to do that “I Quit” thing? No doubt it was chump change compared to what Playboy would pay.
You could take a route similar to that of Olivia Munn, who posed for Playboy last year. She didn’t show any of her goodies and people still rushed to see the photos.
On second thought, don’t do what Munn did – that really pissed me off.
I guarantee you Elyse, once you let the world see your breasts it’s going to open the door to endless possibilities.
You could be the next fling for Don Draper on Mad Men. Or you might replace Emmanuelle Chriqui as E’s girlfriend on Entourage.
You never know what might happen.
But I can tell you what will happen if you don’t seize upon your current popularity – nothing.
Of course you could try to make a career out of holding a dry erase board for a few hundred bucks a pop. But that’s not what you want. That’s not what I want for you either.
Millions of men want to see you naked. If you think about it for a moment, it’s actually flattering that people consider you attractive enough to pose for Playboy.
What you want can be easily obtained by simply removing your clothes and smiling.
So let’s not waste any more time Elyse. Pick up the phone, call Hefner and tell him you want to get naked for Playboy.
Here’s an idea. You could employ the dry erase board as a gimmick in the photo shoot, using it to cover your Va Jay Jay.
Maybe you can write something catchy on the board, like “Thanks for the career advice MoonDog!”
One day, in the not too distant future when you’re rich and famous, you can look back on this free advice I’m giving you with fondness, knowing that your days of writing on dry erase boards came to an end the second you removed your bra.
But if you don’t follow my advice, 20 years from now you’ll still be working with dry erase boards, except you’ll be writing things like “Special of the Day” or “Please Wait to be Seated”.
Carpe Diem Elyse!
[...] Elyse Porterfield: Pose For Playboy While You Can [...]