With Charlie Sheen’s mental meltdown getting tons of media attention, everyone has focused on the numerous gems that have come as a result of his ramblings.
What we’ve learned from Sheen so far is that he isn’t a mere mortal like you or I. No, Charles is “winning” the war against alcohol and drug abuse because he’s super human.
Sheen says he has “Adonis DNA” and “Tiger Blood” which apparently gives him the ability to overcome insurmountable odds, like navigating the distance between his current mental state and lucidity.
The Tiger Blood that courses through Sheen’s veins is the catalyst by which he’s capable of snorting six eight-balls in a four-hour period without having a massive coronary.
The Tiger Blood also serves to stave off comas just long enough to provide the stamina needed to bang a porn star or two, or as he likes to call them, “Goddesses.”
When the Big Ten added Nebraska as the conference’s 12th member, the league decided to split the schools into two six-team divisions.
Instead of naming them something simple like North and South, the Big Ten chose to name the divisions Leaders and Legends, which is tantamount to naming them Dumb and Dumber or Lame and Lamer.
The Big Ten said that they would likely revisit the names of the divisions at a later date, but now that Sheen has provided us with a limitless supply of ammo, there’s no need to wait any further.
The conference should immediately change the names of their divisions to Winning and Tiger Blood, because nothing says winning like a football conference with 12 teams named the Big Ten.
Just like Charlie Sheen, the Big Ten wants us to believe they have 12 teams whose rosters are filled with guys that have Adonis DNA and Tiger Blood, although the conference’s record in last season’s bowl games would strongly suggest otherwise.
Reality tells us that the 12 teams of the Big Ten are equal to Sheen’s Goddesses, because every time they square off against superior competition – especially SEC opponents – they get fucked really hard.
In the fall when another college football season begins, the 12 Goddesses of the Big Ten will be in a familiar position, lying on their backs, exhausted, used and spent after getting drilled for three hours.
All that will remain of the Goddesses will be a few drops of Tiger Blood containing tainted Adonis DNA.
The visions of gridiron glory, the pride of a conference and the dreams of national dominance will be gone forever, much like Charlie Sheen’s career.
Big Ten football: Winning.
[...] Big Ten Football: Winning [...]